Montezuma’s Revenge

I’m home today with a touch of some digestion pranks my system decided to play on me. It’s a little strange this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often to me than it does. I eat some pretty diverse, and oft raunchy, things. My system is pretty forgiving for all that it’s gone through, really. When I was in high school (you knew I’d get to this, didn’t you, Sean?), I made the mistake of ingesting some incubated waters. I was with two friends, Sean and Jason Rickett. Rickett warned us against it, but Rickett was always a little bit of a pansy. Sean gave his mouth a rinse and I chugged water down like a frat-boy with a beer hat. The water was, as it turns out, probably not water at all. It’s entirely more likely that it was a mixture of hunter’s sweat, cow urine, insecticide, and rendered chicken blood. There may have been a dead animal in it somewhere up stream too. Before you ask me why I would do this, understand that I came from southern Georgia where standing water was generally safe to drink. There was so much tannic acid in the water down there that you were essentially drinking an antibiotic tea. Remarkably, it wasn’t until the next morning that the effects of the mountain water finally paid its toll. Sean and I both would spend the next three days cursing Montezuma for the infestation spawned in our intestines. Maybe the Aztec ruler’s ghost had nothing to do with it, but we needed someone to curse and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be ourselves! Sean met his punishment with utter surprise as I recall. He thought he would simply handle the Triple-S – a normal enough thing for some. What happened as he began his descent is too innapropriate for anything but high schoolers, but suffice it to say that his system was thoroughly evacuated through all orifices over the next several days. I too can recall the sudden overwhelming urge to purge whilst seeing to the immediate need of the other. It was as though the pressure was too great to be let from a single valve. Neither of us was aware of eachother’s fate until we got back to school on Thursday. I recall Sean saying that he sat on the toilet all week hoping that I was going through the same thing. That’s the mark of a good friend, truly.


  1. Have you seen the South Park where Kenny gives his dad RU-486 (I think that’s what it is) and he keeps alternating between shitting and puking, usually in a public trash can or something? Because that’s what I’m picturing.

    (Comments unavailable on the page for the individual post, by the way)

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