It's like family, only weirder…

Java Log

When first presented with the idea of a java log, one may summon visions of bad dietary intake resulting in compacted bowels and inevitably, the java log. That is not the case and I beg you to stick around to discover the beauty behind what you just thought might very well be a fecal fantasy.

The Java Log is actually a synthetic log manufactured from the remains of my number one habit, drinking coffee. Similarly to the process involved in making wood-manufactured burning logs – complete with paraphin wax filler – coffee grounds are pressed into a log form by which they may burn for 3 hours or so. It is said that they’re incredibly clean burners and contain no chemical residue like many pressed wood products. There is less ash, which isn’t great if you planned on putting the ash into your rose garden. But otherwise the logs are fantastically environmental – in so far as something can be when you burn it. The only set-back to the whole thing is that their more expensive than conventional synthetic log products. When you’re burning money, most people agree that they would prefer to burn less of it. Less is more, in this case. If the Java Log takes off, I can predict that the price will come down. However, I don’t know that I forsee coffee grounds surpassing wood particles in availability.

While this economics lesson works itself out, you might want to go and buy a case so you can enjoy the gentle scents of crappy coffee (it’s not necessarily Starbucks you’re burning) before the fad dissappears. I’m kidding about the smell, actually. I don’t recall smelling much of anything when I burned them last winter. I’m not kidding about the crappy coffee though. The smell of the unburned log actually smells like the kind of coffee you get in non-dotCom corporations.


Reader Comments

  1. When I hear “java log”, I think of an amusing story from Opie and Anthony:

    Java Log — Opie was backed into a corner once and was forced to share a story about his friend Jay (Note: This is not Jay Mohr but actually O & A’s friend from the WAAF days, he was the 3rd member of the show back then and can be heard cracking up in the background on all the bits on the O&A CD DEMENTED WORLD). The two men gathered in Opie’s apartment for wine and cheese and to watch the “Survivor” Finale. They were both clad in pajamas and robes, and lit a “Java Log” which is a log for the fireplace that, when burning, smells of a freshly brewed cup of coffee. The smoke became so bad that the fire department was called, finding the two in this very awkward-looking situation.

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