Prophylactic Conscience

I’ve been married nearly 10 years now and I still have a slight problem with buying condoms. I’m embarrassed, generally because of my selection process. I should go over all the products and analyze their characteristics, weighing in their cost. I should do this, because that is what I do with everything else I buy. However, my humility won’t allow me to stand in front of the condoms for what could be an hour. Instead, I blindly grab a familiar looking box and dash off before any old ladies might notice that I’m not getting Tylenol or something. The next problem is whether or not I’m there simply to get condoms or if I can obscure the purchase through a myriad of other things. I generally never just purchase condoms. I look for something else to buy as well, which in the past led to some awkward looks. I remember once poking around a drug store for various other sundries to add to my purchase. When I finally arrived at the desk, I had duct tape, rope, candles, and condoms. Not a good combination of randomness. That leads to the other problem I have – check-out. What if there’s a young girl at the register? Or worse, what if it’s a little old lady?

So yesterday at CVS I have to buy condoms and there’s a young girl working the register. I did have a couple of other items to add to my purchase…legitimate purchases this time, so I don’t think she really noticed the condoms pass through her hand and into the bag. However, as she handed me the bag – heavy with prophylactic conscience – she gave me a parting farewell of the greatest irony. And without any hint of amusement or a wry smile, “Have a good night!” It was merely late afternoon.