It's like family, only weirder…

Soylent Green is People, This is Not

Earlier, I said dog days are coming and I meant it. It has taken a while to get everything worked out, but Monday begins something a little different. A friend and I will commit ourselves to eight weeks of dry dog food-eating experimentation for the betterment of mankind. I know you have lot’s of questions, so I will attempt to answer many of them right here and now:

First the ‘Why?
I wholeheartedly believe mankind can do better than rice for impoverished nations, disaster relief, and the poor when it comes to nutrition. I am largely concerned that only the wealthy are able to truly afford the pleasure of good foods. Lastly, I believe that food is an addiction for which no relief is offered.

How?
For eight weeks, two men of approximately 30 years will consume 2000-3000 calories in dry dog food in attempt to account for a near-complete nutritional allottment. In addition to the dog food, a diverse salad should be eaten once a day to account for the lack of fiber found in even the best dog foods. Should this prove insufficient to maintain the level of minerals in the body, a multivitamin will also be taken as recommended by the vitamin or a doctor. Because dry dog food has very little moisture in it, a great deal of water will be required. It is presumed that a target of one gallon should be sufficient for this.

What the Hell?
Yes, indeed. We have checked with doctors on our plans and intend on maintaining regular checkups throughout the 8 weeks for a way to calculate our progress. Among the tests performed, blood chemical analyses will help us in tracking what is entering into our bodies. As these results are provided to us, we’ll be able to provide additional data to you. Also, I’m well aware of what kind and quantity of crap is put into commercial dog food. However, rest assured that our dog food selection goes beyond what you can find in your average grocery store.

‘And Why Again?’
For the betterment of humanity! One day, when we’re accepting our Nobel Peace Prize, you’ll live in my reality. If this works, we’re a step closer to a pelletized food product being made for humans that a) the government can subsidize for emergency relief, impoverished nations, and the poor and b) could become a new meal replacement retail product for everyone. Think high energy and food efficiency. The outdoorsy types could dig that. Also, as a food product, it wouldn’t be addictive as most foods are today. It would not be marketed in the same way, nor would it have the accentuated flavors today’s snacks and foods have.

I have a question, which inspired a dream, which led me to the thought of eating dog food for eight weeks.


Reader Comments

  1. I’m hanging around that same old scene
    My girlfriend Betsy she’s just fourteen
    There’s nothing better for me to do
    I’m living on dog food

    Dog food is so good for you
    It makes you strong and clever too
    Dog food is a current craze
    Eat some every day

    I chew up my “Sunday Mirror”
    I read about the rich I fear
    Dog food is my whole life
    Dog food composes my wife

    Yum yum yum – Woof woof woof – Arf arf

    Iggy Pop

  2. When you acept your Nobel Peace Prize, I plan to be in the front row, clapping and screaming enought to make up for my less than enthusiastic responses at your ball games. Dr. Barger suggests that you use a video camera to document this experiment. Like the guy that ate McDonalds every day.

  3. I should mention too that I have not yet begun this experiement. Isi and I are awaiting 100% approval from each of our doctors before committing to this. That approval should be here any day now, presuming there’s no secrecy at the dog food production lair that would potentially spell certain doom for humans. My own personal research has shown that the mysterious ingredients in our particular choice is primarily homepathic and enzymic additives. Things that will either do nothing at all, or some good. Either way, it’s not such a bad outlook.

  4. Very impressive… there shouldn’t be anything wrong with the food, i mean, they employ people as “testers” for dog food. though the programme i saw was using tinned dog-food… I really like the idea, but where in – say Africa – would you be able to get that amount of water?

  5. I have one word for you – Soylent Green

    Did you all do a taste test of a bit of the kibble before jumping into this?

    I fear that after a day or two you all will want to puke after eating just a bit.

    Heck, I have done the atkin’s diet and eating all protein and fat, lots of steak and butter, I didnt want to eat butter or steak at all after about a week!

    Too much of anything (good or bad) tends to really kill the palate :-).

  6. LOL, sorry about the goof in my last comment.

    can you say, read the title before commenting!

    I think I would prefer the soylent green personally.

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