It's like family, only weirder…

Über-Aggressive Lemmings

Those of you who know me, know that I’m a very tolerant guy.  There are, however, a few things that I just despise.

On my way home last night, I encountered the most loathsome of my pet-peeves (maybe not the most, but at the time it was).  Having driven through stormy weather from work, I was reaching the end of what turned out to be a 2-hour commute.  At the end of a bridge near the house, a two-lane road merges to one.  There are two general types of people established here.  The first lines up into the apparent resultant, single lane (Lemmings).  The second chooses to use the second lane until its actual point of junction with the first (Jerks).  I’m of the second type.  Within the class of Lemmings and Jerks there are two subdivisions; aggressive and passive.  Passive Lemmings sit in line and quietly curse the Jerks as they pass.  Aggressive Lemmings move into an awkward position of ‘riding the line’ in order to thwart Jerks from passing.  Similarly, passive Jerks simply coast down the open lane to their destination, the junction.  Aggressive Jerks, on the other hand, speed down the open line with obvious disdain for the Lemmings.  As a Jerk, I’m of the passive type.

Having met the inevitable aggressive Lemming, barring my way to the junction, I take the opportunity to merge with the Lemmings.  Quite appropriately, the aggressive Lemming is a large 4×4 with rebel flag insignia on the rear window and license plate (it’s heritage, not hate).  What surprises me here is an unlikely group of über-aggressive Lemmings.  It’s a group of four, 70-something, elderly folks in an American mid-size sedan (go figure).  Their tactic is to squeeze me out of getting into the destination lane.  Not only that, but they also want me to plummet to my death in the lake below.  Prior to the lanes merging, they continue to push over into my lane and drive me off the road.  Having an older car, I think very seriously about smashing my car into theirs.  I resist because they’re all very old and the airbags may kill them.  I don’t think I’d have anything to lose though.  If their vehicle is in my lane, then it’s their fault, not mine.  I like the odds, but it would mean my crossing over to an über-aggressive Jerk.  By the way, I recognise that most people think my type are Jerks, but I’m very certain my case is the most logical one.


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